Tuesday, July 17, 2007

Deathwah on Dag.

I entered a Shi'ite literary mystery writing contest recently in the high hopes of scooping the substantial pot and garnering myself fame and a sex-life that includes someone other than me. Little did I know that my foray onto the literary battlefield would end with me winning only a Muslim deathwah.

I was so sure my title would to knock 'em dead, "Mohammed and the mystery of the walk-about jumper," that I opened with a bang.

I began Islamicly enough with this perfect line: "It was a dark and stormy day that by tea-time had Mohammed reaching for his jumper-- only to find it had gone walk about." Mohammed, his prose purple with rage, shouted out to the Moon God: "Ahhhoooo! I'll amputate the hand and alternate foot of whoever went walk-about with my fine jumper."

Well, to make my 300 page long story short, they didn't like it. Now I'm facing a deathwah. There are only a dozen things to do, so I'm going to run and hide. If you're not the sniveling coward I am, you might draw some of the Iranian ire away from me so I can continue my literary efforts in a new and, frankly, more up-scale contest, one wherein the judges have some appreciation for an artist at work!

Please leave the first line of your literary masterpiece in the comments box below,and with luck you'll win a deathwah too. Someone will contact you, probably in the middle of the night or at your office or on the tube or at a crowded cafe or in a schoolhouse in remote Russia. Good luck.


Ayatollah Khomeini said...

Dear brothers and sisters in Islam,

In 'thought for today' I wish to comment on our holy scripture, specifically those references to Mohammed's (pbuh) laundry arrangements as related at http://news.speeple.com/blogspot.com/2007/06/22/islam-and-the-gay-muslim.htm

Mohammed's child wife Aiesha said : "I used to wash the traces of Janaba (semen) from the clothes of the Prophet and he used to go for prayers while traces of water were still on it" (water spots were still visible). (Book #4, Hadith #229)

Narrated Sulaiman bin Yasar : I asked Aisha about the clothes soiled with semen. She replied, "I used to wash it off the clothes of Allah's Apostle and he would go for the prayer while water spots were still visible. " (Book #4, Hadith #231)

Narrated 'Amr bin Maimun : I heard Sulaiman bin Yasar talking about the clothes soiled with semen. He said that Aiesha had said, "I used to wash it off the clothes of Allah 's Apostle and he would go for the prayers while water spots were still visible on them. (Book #4, Hadith #232)

Narrated Aiesha : I used to wash the semen off the clothes of the Prophet and even then I used to notice one or more spots on them. (Book #4, Hadith #233)

Muslims may be perplexed by these passages in the scriptures, and may well ask "If Aisha was Mohammed's wife, why was she washing the semen out of Mohammed's clothes instead of out of her own panties?"

The explanation is that Aisha was only 7 or 8 years old at the time she was doing the laundry. Although he married her when she was six and he was 57 (Everyone said they made a lovely couple!), the prophet Mohammed was a great respecter of the innocence of childhood, and did not demand his conjugal rights until Aisha was nine.

Instead, he performed the Islamic babysitting ritual of 'Mufa khathat' between her thighs, and of course when he got to the vinegar-strokes he shot off all over the place.

On her ninth birthday the marriage was consumated. Mohammed gave her a birthday cake with 8 candles, promising her she'd get the ninth at bedtime.

The lesson for us all is that we Muslims are honorable gentlemen and should all try to emulate our prophet and refrain from 'going all the way' with children under nine years old.

I was meditating on these scriptures one day last week, when something most distressing happened to me. Those of you who know me will be aware that it is my custom to put on my traditional Islamic garment, known as a Mah-kint-osh, and go down to the nearby primary school at hometime to inspect the Kuffar bints and some of the prettier boys.

But on that particular day I found out that the Kuffar parents had complained to the institutionally Islamophobic police. I was grievously abused by an officer who called me a 'dirty old pervert'. This caused me great distress. I have never been so insulted since that time I was thrown out of the petting zoo.

Needless to say I made an immediate complaint to the authorities and pointed out that I was performing an Islamic ritual in following the glorious example of our noble Prophet (pbuh). In calling be a 'pervert' the officer had not only offended myself, but insulted the Prophet, the religion of Islam, and the entire Ummah. The situation was swiftly resolved and I obtained his immediate dismissal and £600,000 as an out of court settlement. Allah is indeed great.

Well I must go now as I need to pay my nightly visit to the cowshed, where Daisy and Buttercup are expecting me to make it a threesome.

- Ayatollah Khomeini
Child Protection and Animal Welfare Officer
Caliphate of West Yorkshire

maccusgermanis said...

"Better men than mohamhead."

"And mo' asked, why do all the young men involved in the raids take matrons for wives? Surely, it is not for lack of experience. We have made use of many slave women and young boys to show them how to please themselves. Why should they need a teacher?

Also, it can't be for riches, such as my marriage to Kadesha, for these young men are rich from the spoils of conquest."

To which a decapitated and long since disappeared wise man replied,"Perhaps, these thieves and robbers are more virtuous men than mohamhead."

dag said...

Do I hear howls from the left side of the world? Well, it makes a fitting preview to my up-coming "Infantile Narcissism: S.N.A.G. Nation".

Yeah, your comments are harsh, but the real world doesn't get any better by pretending all is pretty.


truepeers said...

I am worried that there is bad "comedy" stuff here that might get someone or this blog beheaded. So I made reference to a duly constituted authority:

"Question: I am a comedy writer, a stage performer, a director, and a dramatic actor. I read a hadîth in which the Prophet spoke of woe on a person who makes others laugh by speaking lies. I stopped all of my activities and now look forward to you for fatwâ on comedy writing.

Answered by Sheikh Sâmî al-Mâjid

Al-Salâm `Alaykum wa Rahmah Allah wa Barakâtuh.

The hadîth that you mention is referring to the telling falsehoods about supposedly true events. This could be by changing the facts about something that actually took place or by imagining something that never took place and then telling others that it had actually occurred. The actual forbidden act is to tell others of false and untrue events.

However, if you imagine a story which is known to your readers or listeners to be ficticious , this is not the same as telling lies. This is only an expression of your imagination.

I hold the opinion that it is permissible for you to write comedy stories, particularly if you aim to use them to highlight moral behaviors and for other positive objectives.

Our Islamic nation is in need of intellectual and artistic activities that promote decent values. By doing so, you are in fact providing a lawful alternative to the bad and immoral messages that are so widespread in the arts these days."
linkSo please remember, no jokes without positive objectives.

zazie said...

à Dag
You won't get any literary masterpiece from me, at least in English (to be honest, i couldn't produce any such thing in French either)..
I just wanted to tell you that I appreciate your form of humour -or do I mean irony?- ; I know some may find your texts bitter, but what other style could be adapted for dealing with the behaviour of our "moslem friends" ?